Conversations.

"I really still care for you a lot."

"Then why did we break up in the first place?"

"I didn't want you to have to wait."

"Right."

"I knew I'd be gone for awhile, and I didn't want you to have to wait that long for me."

"That should have been up to me, not you."

"I really did love you. A lot."

"That's nice to know, I guess."

"I still think of you often."

I'm quiet.

"I'm really sorry for ending it like that."

"I don't think it matters anymore. We're friends. The end."

"Is that all you want?"

"It's all I'm allowed to have."

"Who said?"

"Sanity."

I remember some conversations a lot better than others. I've replayed them over and over again. Some of which I wish to forget. But some I'm glad I had. There's just some things I wish people would stop telling me. Especially when I know for a fact most of it is a lie.

"How long have you been engaged?"

He stares.

"It's not the hardest question in the world."

"A few days."

"Congrats. I guess."

"Thanks." He blushes.

"I wish you both happiness?"

"I don't know if it's going to work out yet."

Annoyed. "If you asked her then you must think it'll work out."

"It didn't really happen like that." Bashful.

Eyebrow raise. "She asked you?"

Stares at shoes. "Yeah."

Shakes head.

How can a person actually remember word for word what is said? I just wish for once people will stop telling me they care for me still, then turn around and make it out to be a lie. That's what it is. A lie. A complete utter lie. A lie that should have never happened in the first place.

"How much did you like me then?"

"What kind of question is that?"

He's speechless.

"Didn't think I'd answer a question with a question? Or did I stump you with my big words?"

Squints eyes. "What big word?"

I chuckle. "My point."

"No, really, how much did you like me then?"

Raises eyebrow. "Is there actually a point in you asking me that?"

"Yes."

Annoyed. "Why does it matter after five years?"

"I just want to know."

"I liked you a lot. Things change, though."

Fiddles with thumbs. "Do you still like me?"

Walks out of the room.

He follows. "You didn't answer my question."

"I know."

Grabs my arm. "Are you going to answer it?"

Shakes head. "Didn't really see myself answering."

"Why?" Lets go of my arm.

I turn to face him. "I didn't see that the answer matters. Unless... of course... you're not telling ME something."

Blushes. "Like?"

Crosses my arms. "You tell me."

Sigh. "Okay, truthfully. I still like you.. a lot."

Psh!

I don't think I'm meant to date. Yes, I have many reasons to think that.

"I don't think this is going to work out."

"Is this over my friends or family?"

Stares at shoes. "Both."

"Awe."

"We are never alone. They are always there. I don't like it."

Laughs.

"What's so funny?"

"That's not the reason."

Confused. "Yes it is, why would I say it if it's not."

Crosses arms. "Now, tell me the truth."

Fiddles with shirt. "I did."

"No."

Stares in my eyes. "I don't think you want the truth."

"If I didn't want the truth, I wouldn't have asked for it." Blank stare.

"I can't handle your mood changes. One minute you're happy go lucky, the next you're about to rip my head off. I can't handle it. I'm sorry."

Locks jaw.

"I really am sorry. I tried to handle it. But I can't."

Walks away.

"That's it, you're not going to say anything?"

Annoyed. "Like what?"

"Well, if you really cared for..."

"Don't even finish that sentence."

Shocked.

"You stand there and tell me that you can't handle my mood changes and then you want me to say something?"

Silence.

"Are you wanting me to beg you to stay with me?"

Silence.

"Yeah. Right. I've never in my life begged a guy, and I'm not starting with one that can't handle me."

"I do care for you."

"Right."

Leaves.

I hate that line. "I do care for you." I'm tired of hearing it. It's like the death of my relationships when I hear it. And when I hear it from an ex, they are about to either tell me they have gone gay, their engaged, or their lonely. Guess what people! I'm tired of that line, so stop feeding it to me.

"I don't think we're going to work."

I wait.

"You seem far away at times, like you're not here."

I stare.

"Maybe we'd be better off as friends?"

"Friends?"

"Yeah. I don't want to hurt you. I just don't see this lasting."

I shrug.

"You're taking this too well."

"I'm waiting."

Confused. "For what?"

"The truth."

Scratches head. "Truth?"

Tilts head. "From you."

"About?"

Annoyed. "Dumb act."

"What?"

"I'm waiting on the truth from you about why you're breaking up with me."

He stares.

I wait.

"I told you the truth. I don't feel like we're on the same level."

"So it has nothing to do with you accusing me of cheating on you?"

Stares at shoes.

"Right."

Bites bottom lip. "Did you cheat?"

More annoyed. "When I went to Amarillo?"

Stares.

"Do you not listen to anything I tell you?"

"You were gone on Valentines day!"

Rolls eyes. "And?"

"I had a nice day planned."

"I've already apologized."

"You're ditching my question."

"No I'm not. I'm choosing not to answer."

"So that's a yes?"

"It's a 'I'm choosing not to answer'"

"Do you have to be so rude?"

"Didn't know I had to be nice to a guy who is breaking up with me."

"DID YOU CHEAT??"

"NO! I went to see my grandfather. Never left the house. I was gone on Valentines day because we got stuck. I had no way to call you."

Sighs.

"Right. Of course you don't believe me. Because I'm such a cheater."

Silence.

"Whatever."

The worse two things a guy can tell me is that I'm a cheater, and I have to stop being around my friends or family. That's one thing that will make something end really badly.

"Your friends are stupid."

Laughs.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Can I not laugh?"

Smiles. "No you can."

"So what brought up my friends?"

"You know I don't like them."

"Yes?"

"When I'm over can they not be here?"

"They aren't here all the time."

"Yes they are!"

Raises eyebrow.

"I don't like them."

"And?"

"I don't want to be around them."

Blinks.

"I know their your friends, but I don't bring my friends around you."

"Is that supposed to change my mind and tell you oh yeah, I will make sure my friends aren't at my house?"

"I don't like them."

Blinks.

"If they are going to be around..."

Blinks.

"...I'm not."

I open door.

I'm really easy to get along with. My friends are just pains. But don't tell me you won't be around them if they are at MY house. None of my ex's like my friends. I get that. My friends are dorks. But they are my friends. I ditch their friends. Oh wait!! That's right. I never met any of my ex's friends. Would you like me to explain why? (rolls eyes)

"I love you."

Silence.

"Are you still there?"

"...ahem.."

"Are you okay?"

"(coughs)... f-f-fine."

"Did you hear what I said?"

"..uh, yeah."

"I do, you know."

Silence.

Taps phone.

"I don't know if I can say it back."

"It's not hard."

Gulp.

"Baby?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to say it. I understand. It's not easy to say in person for the first time. I really do understand."

Smiles.

Phone relationships don't work out. Long-distance relationships don't work out. Why do I say that? Because, it's true. People can argue with me until they turn blue in the face, but it doesn't work. One of the two cheats. LIVE WITH IT!

"You do know I'm not going to have sex with you, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I just want to make sure you understand that."

"No, I do."

"I just want to make sure we're going to last a little bit."

He gulps.

"You mad?"

"No, not at all."

Never talked to him after that conversation. I've come to realize I'm better off. It did answer my question though. That's all he wanted. No thank you, Mr. Deville.

In a letter...

"....I think I need to explain something. After your last letter I realized I must have led you on. I didn't mean to. Honestly. We're friends. I'm glad for that. I like our friendship. But you're not my type..."

Translation...

"...I think I need to explain something. I honestly don't think I led you on, but you're young and you'll bounce back. I don't date fat ugly chicks. I'm too hot for that..."

My reply...

"...No, you didn't lead me on. I understand. I hope we can stay friends."

Translation...

"...You're ugly and annoying. Get over yourself..."

Love until later.